Sneak peek: Parenting strong-willed kids comes with its personal distinctive set of challenges. By specializing in kids’s strengths and having an eye fixed towards the longer term, you’ll be able to start to really feel extra assured.

“It’s not a bug, it’s a function.” In case you learn the earlier article on this two-part sequence, you realize that this quote has change into my new motto for understanding and parenting strong-willed kids. As we mentioned within the final article, this quote originated from software program programmers years in the past who, upon discovering an sudden conduct of their software program, would exclaim, “it’s not a bug, it’s a function.”

This quote, though midway comical, instantly made me consider kids, particularly strong-willed kids. In our tradition, strong-willed kids are sometimes seen as a “bug” to be fastened or a glitch on the planet of human conduct. In distinction, I’ve come to see strong-willed kids (and far analysis backs this up) as uniquely outfitted to face the world differently. Sure, their strong-willed nature may be difficult for fogeys (to say the least!) nevertheless it may also be a present in the event you study to see it in a brand new means.

Sturdy-willed kids may be extraordinarily persistent, vulnerable to non-compliance and more likely to expertise large feelings (in generally not-so-pleasant methods). Nevertheless, they’re additionally typically fearless leaders, assured, robust associates and fast to treatment injustice. We’d like these items in our world right this moment and sooner or later. With cautious steering and agency boundaries (sure optimistic parenting consists of boundaries!), strong-willed kids have the potential to be those that lead confidently sooner or later and assist treatment a few of our largest social challenges.

To get them to that time, we have to strategy parenting strong-willed kids with an eye fixed towards their strengths as an alternative of simply specializing in the challenges. One technique to begin is by dispelling a number of myths about strong-willed kids.

Associated studying: Frequent (however Unhelpful) Myths About Sturdy-Willed Kids

Extra Myths About Sturdy-Willed Kids

Fantasy #1 They’re deliberately being troublesome or pushing your buttons

That is most likely the commonest fantasy I hear about parenting a strong-willed youngster. Whereas, after all, there could also be moments when strong-willed kids do one thing to deliberately push mother and father’ buttons, general this isn’t the case. A lot of their conduct is solely a mirrored image of their temperament; they don’t seem to be making an attempt to be troublesome.

Sturdy-willed kids typically have very robust emotions about…properly, every part. In that context, it’s straightforward to see why they typically battle with mother and father. They’ve robust emotions about any alternative that’s being made for them–clothes, actions, college, associates, and so forth. Youngsters with a strong-willed temperament additionally normally have a robust sense of justice–they need issues to be honest; not only for them however for others as properly. This typically sparks battle with others or with mother and father as a result of, let’s face it, life isn’t all the time simply or honest.

Lastly, strong-willed kids typically come wired with some very intense feelings. In any given state of affairs, they’re more likely to react with a lot larger depth than different kids. This isn’t normally them making an attempt to be troublesome; they’re simply wired otherwise. They really feel issues extra intensely; their reactions are extra dramatic.

Tips on how to deal with a strong-willed youngster:

• Give attention to their strengths. Seeing these temperamental traits as strengths, quite than annoyances, can go a great distance towards parenting strong-willed kids with a bit extra grace and persistence. Search for the upside of any trait or conduct sample you discover troublesome. It may be exhausting to search out at instances however preserve wanting, I wager you’ll see it.
• Give attention to how this temperament will assist them later. Someday as my son was persistently asking me (once more) to do one thing he wished to do, it hit me. This degree of persistence could be a actual asset sooner or later! When he’s a teen and his associates are pressuring him to do one thing less-than-stellar (e.g., driving quick, ingesting, and so forth.), this persistent nature can actually assist him. He has the persistent nature to withstand these pressures many times. The important thing for fogeys is to assist our strong-willed kids use these traits in a optimistic means. As I all the time inform my son, “use your powers for good, not dangerous!” I say it midway jokingly, however I believe there may be some fact right here in not making an attempt to crush our kids’s spirits, however as an alternative guiding them to make use of their distinctive traits in helpful methods. 
• Channel their spirit into one thing they’re obsessed with (e.g., a trigger, sports activities, actions, serving to others, and so forth.). Most strong-willed kids have large passions. It would take them some time to find them, however as soon as they do, be careful! Sturdy-willed, persistent, spirited kids have the traits wanted to pursue a ardour with fervor and willpower. Encourage your youngster to discover completely different actions or hobbies that they discover attention-grabbing. Who is aware of what magic would possibly occur once they discover their ardour?

Fantasy #2 Sturdy-willed kids will all the time be “troublesome”

If you end up within the trenches of parenting a strong-willed youngster, you are feeling as if daily will all the time be a battle (imagine me I do know!). When our kids are little, there are such a lot of potential alternatives for battle in the course of the day–placing on sneakers, brushing tooth, getting dressed, and so forth. With strong-willed kids, every of those duties could possibly be a possible emotional outburst or conflict-ridden showdown. It appears like these day by day battles may go on eternally.

Then, one thing occurs. Our youngsters mature and study a bit extra self-control. As a mother to a strong-willed 12-year-old, I can let you know that maturity actually issues. As our strong-willed kids mature and acquire extra emotional coping abilities, normally the day by day battles change into much less frequent. The standard routine actions at the moment are taken as a right. Positive, we would nonetheless expertise our strong-willed youngster’s persistent refusal sometimes however maturity does assist these youngsters quite a bit. After all, I haven’t hit the teenager years but, so issues may nonetheless change, however general, I really feel that in the event you actually prioritize your relationship along with your strong-willed youngster and attempt to keep away from many energy struggles, the bond you type will win out in the long run.

Tips on how to deal with a strong-willed youngster:

• Give attention to serving to them see the WHY. Serving to kids (particularly strong-willed kids) perceive why guidelines and bounds exist is essential. That is SO key to parenting strong-willed kids and actually comes into play as they mature. Sturdy-willed kids have a eager sense of justice so if they’ll see (for themselves) why a sure rule or boundary exists, they’re much extra more likely to go together with it. The previous adage of encouraging kids to do one thing “as a result of I stated so” won’t work with these kids who’ve a strong-willed temperament. 
• Focus loads of emotional skill-building. Studying how to deal with large feelings is a big asset for all youngsters, however particularly these with a strong-willed temperament. These kids have BIG emotions. Whether or not or not it’s pleasure, disappointment, anger or frustration, strong-willed youngsters expertise all of them with a bit of added “taste” that different youngsters could not expertise. As mother and father, we might help them immensely by fostering their abilities in dealing with these large feelings. As an alternative of punishing emotional outbursts, we are able to give attention to constructing their calming abilities by means of instructing respiratory abilities, and sensory gadgets that calm, selling train for coping and modeling calm in our personal emotional moments. 

Parenting strong-willed kids brings its personal challenges, however by specializing in our kids’s strengths and being open to studying about ourselves (that’s big), we are able to elevate strong-willed kids who study to make use of their items on the planet. By prioritizing our relationship with them and never specializing in methods to “repair” them we might help them blossom into superb adults.

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